I'm Tired -- Warning -- This Is A Venting Post

(I have a few items that I would like to vent about in English to an English speaker. My husband's not a good candidate today to receive the venting at this time because he's tired as well. So I'll talk to "you" whoever "you" are).

I'm tired -- physically tired. Dan and I have both been fighting "something" this week. Mine is along the lines of a seasonal allergy thing, but it has drained my energy. I think that's partly why I'm feeling not so positive.

I'm tired of life being so fast-paced and so scheduled out. I'm tired of reminding myself that this is only a phase of life and that thousands of missionaries have done the same thing I'm doing now in learning a language with young children at home. I'm tired of telling myself to be thankful that I'm only learning French which is one of the easier languages for an English speaker to learn.

I'm tired of the heat. To keep it in perspective, the temps cool off beautifully by the time we go to bed so we get to sleep in luxury -- no sweating! And I know that there are many parts of Africa that are hotter than it is here -- if you're in one of those places, I'm soooo sorry that you have to hear my complaining when you have it worse. We are in the hot, dry season, and the internet has been showing low 90s. That might not seem so bad, but I can I remind you that we don't have air conditioning! :-) I am such a wimp. Everyone tells me I'll get accustomed to it so that's good news.

I'm tired of losing touch with my friends and family in the U.S. because life is too busy to take advantage of the wonderful blessing of the internet. We are trying to get out more and more as French can be studied within the walls of our home, but it is learned in a different, more impressionable way when we use it, make mistakes, listen to how others say things, etc. For the last four weekends, we have gone and hung out at the Youth Center at our church on Friday from 4-7 and Saturday from 4-7! That has added a lot of busyness to our life and during the times that we normally would've blogged, emailed, or Skyped. The opportunities are so good for us to interact in French, and we need to take them so we can at least say we tried to do all we could no matter how far along we are in French when the Gaults leave. But, like I said, it has taken away from our time we used to try to keep in touch with our loved ones. I almost feel sick that I haven't talked to some of my friends for so long now not to mention some of my siblings since Christmas. I'm tired of being out of touch with loved ones. (Fortunately, I can't say I'm lonely because there's not time for that! That's a blessing, and it's definitely not that I don't like being here. Okay, fine -- I'll say it -- I want it all. I want to live here as God has led and chosen for us, but I want to keep my ties to family and friends in the States too. There's just too many I's going on ..... hmmm)

I'm tired of our internet being so slow for the last six weeks so that when we have tried to call our parents, they haven't been able to hear us at least three times out of four.

I'm tired of my French inabilities. We have come so far in the almost six months we have been here, but it feels overwhelming that we have so far to go still. It's hard to believe that when we came here, I could understand nothing going on around me. Now, it's a different phase. Like last Saturday, I was communicating back and forth with one of the girls at the youth center. Then, as we were leaving that evening, I attempted to tease her from our previous conversation. She then started jabbering so she must have gotten what I said, but then I couldn't get the context or direction of her sentences. It kinda' halts a conversation if you know what I mean. Or on Wednesday when I had a great conversation with these three sisters, but then as they were leaving, the oldest said something to me, and I just couldn't understand it. Finally, she said it so slowly that I could think about each word and I got it, but I felt so badly. Usually, I just smile and say with a teasing voice, "French! It's so difficult!" But this week, I wanted to cry instead.

I'm tired of the girls not obeying me the first time every time. :-) So much to say but I'll leave it there.

I'm tired of missing out on so much time with my girls as they are growing up so fast. They are so much fun right now (but I guess I can say that about almost every phase). I wish you could see them play together. I wish you could see them individually and enjoy with me their personalities and phases of growing up. 3 1/2 hours a day with our French tutor. Ideally, I should be studying 4 hours a day. I'm tired of giving so much time to French. My girls are growing up never to return to these phases, and I'm spending so much time on a language that is so difficult for me to communicate effectively with. Our girls are such troopers! Remember my statement about the youth center for the last four weeks, yep, they have been with us for all of it. And last Saturday, we were there from 1:00-7:00 except for one half hour because the younger kids had a time then too. Obviously, it if was too much for them, I wouldn't be able to get out like this so I am so thankful that they are handling it well. They have adapted so well to their babysitter too. Oh, I can't wait to spend more time with them. Can someone remind me of this in the future when I'm a full time mom again and thinking, "I need a break!"

I'm tired of not being able to eat at American fast food places and restaurants... my mouth is sure watering just writing this. Arby's, Sonic, Hardees, Taco Bell, McDonald's, Chick-fil-A, Pizza Hut, Long John's Silvers, KFC, Chinese buffet, Wendy's, Olive Garden, Friendly's, Applebee's, Friendly's, Red Lobster, Ruby Tuesday, Red, Hot, and Blue, and well the list could go on and on. I'd even take Burger King at this point. I think I'd even take back the eight pounds I lost in the first couple weeks we were here without even trying (after trying for three years to get rid of them in the States) which got me back to right under my wedding weight if I had even one of these restaurants here. I have to change this topic. I am feeling the cravings.

I'm tired of our guard greeting us every morning through our curtains. I mean, if I was ready to welcome the world into our home, I would open the curtains. It's so funny to me that in the culture here, it would be rude not to greet us when he arrived. Giving someone privacy is seen as being rude, and I did come to their culture so it's my place to give in to their way....which I usually do. He probably wonders why I don't open my curtains earlier on some days or at least when we start the every daily greetings, "Hello. Did you sleep well? Is your wife well? How are the girls?" While he may be wondering about me, I wonder about him too -- why does he often sit on our porch instead of under the guard overhang especially when he's playing scratchy music on his cell phone. (These are the things that don't bother someone unless it's one of those days/weeks which this week is).

Well...I'm finding my sense of humor again. I feel so much better after venting. I'm ready to get back to life with a cheerful and hardworking spirit dependent on the Lord. Thanks for being my listening ear. I really am thankful to be here in Cameroon despite this week of fighting discouragement. "In everything, give thanks..." It's sure hard sometimes, isn't it?